It's interesting what defines you as a man.
I found this old story I'd written I have no idea what age I was but it really paints the picture of what an absent parent can do on a child.
Whether this be physical, mental emotional or spiritual absence or even the lack of ever saying I'm proud of you or I love you.
It can really affect a child to their core.
Luckily me and mum have a stronger relationship than ever and we have worked through a lot of stuff but it was tough, I think both of us are the type of people that don't like to share when we are really struggling, challenge is we are both empaths so we used to try and hide everything now we are both open books to those in our close circles.
It's also interesting how the pattern of inconsistency has repeated through out my whole life which seems to stem from my dad who use to ring every now and then, come to some birthday parties, say he was going to come visit but then last minute call up mum and say somethings come up.
This pattern of me being disappointed with people in my life is so common that I honestly just grew to accept it.
I seem to attract a lot of anxious, avoidant and fearful avoidant attachment style people into my life whether that be friendship, romantic or professional.
From time to time I fall into anxious attachment style but mostly I'm in secure, I'll chase someone for a while but then I'd get over the game and come back into my self worth.
It's been a constant pattern of mine and one of the reasons I'm more introverted is not because I don't like people it's because I only enjoy deep relationships.
I can also see where I have taken on aspects of inconsistency from my dad, on an unconscious level we all want to be like our parents and most of us portray those sub optimal traits until we are fully ready to own it and be honest that it's actually fucking with our dreams.
There were a few defining moments in my life that have made me fall even deeper in love with myself and relationships have definitely been a repeating pattern as well as health every time I am out of integrity for to long my body makes me know good and proper.
Even though I for no better word have had my heart shattered into a thousand pieces over and over again, if I try to lock it up and throw away the key 🗝️ it only last for a small while as I have a big heart and I actually really love sharing it with the world.
What happened to me as a child with the absence of a dad makes me so determined to be the best dad ever, like literally I'm going to be on point and the more I delve into it, I actually know it's part of my life purpose.
I actually think there is so many men and women out there that at their deepest core want to be in a healthy monogamous relationship and to be a parent.
I think that fulfilment on the deepest level will come to them far beyond any career, travel, money, fame or success can ever give them.
But most people are terrified so they continue to push it away.
For me the surrendering into the co creation part is at the core of this, sitting down being dead honest and making it happen and not putting it off till the perfect time to have a family.
Surrendering is tough as you can get your heart broken 💔 again but the other option is you will never get the fulfilment you deserve.
Trusting in spirit that it will move mountains to support you to consciously raise children.
My relationship with my dad, I don't hate him anymore, I've come to accept it, of course it's still tough but his level of being irresponsible as a dad has made me never want to be this way.
In saying that the last couple of years I made some bad financial decisions that have really put me behind on my dreams, I fell into self judgement about being a failure and started to create the story of maybe I don't deserve to have a partner or be a dad.
Recently though I've started gathering all those shattered parts of my heart and soul from all areas of the universe this life and past and bringing them back home.
Taking Radical responsibility first with my health which has now given me the energy, focus and fierce determination to make shit happen.
Knowing and trusting that my time will come, it's not to late and believing in my abilities and that I truly am worth all my dreams plus more.
I've cut ties with those that brought me down and now have a tight inner circle. So for more inner circle fuck you are awesome, I truly do love and appreciate you and your support over the last year especially has got you a place at my future wedding.
On this not it's also why I created the Living the F*cking Dream Blueprint, a 12 month mentorship program which starts next year.
So if you are really ready to do the work and be Radically responsible for your destiny then reach out.
I'm a bloody good mentor, yes I'm firm and will call you on your shit but I also have a heart of gold and will be there with you when your in the depths of despair as we breakthrough those old wounds.
Your story is not over, you create the next chapter.
Creating Radically Fulfilled Humans
Nicholas Fairbairn
CHEK Practitioner
Integrative Health Coach